What happens when you die

Sex and violence

By: Greg Karber

Posted: 11/14/08

Philosophers, theologians, regular people and others have contemplated for thousands of years the question of what happens when you die, but I now have the definitive, complete answer, broken down step by step and presented here to you, my loyal readers. And let me tell you, it's pretty crazy.

When you are first dying, you're going to see no sure signs of supernatural activity. Do not let this alarm you. Though you may see a bright, white light or feel as if your spirit is passing out of your body, scientists assure us that these are merely the natural results of oxygen deprivation to the brain.

Only once you have fully died and have passed completely out of the world does the real stuff begin, and I hate to break it to you, but you're going to be judged, and the judgment will come either immediately, after a few minutes or potentially at the end of all time.

Specifically, you will be judged by either Jesus, St. Peter, Charon, karma, Santa Claus or another celestial Judge Judy. Whoever it is, he or she will focus primarily upon the morality of your behavior; your adherence to the doctrines and dogmas of a certain religious faith; how exemplarily a member you were of your particular caste, class, race, or other arbitrarily-defined social category; your voting record; whether you reached enlightenment (or, failing that, how close you got); how entertaining you were; how many votes your heavenly fans text messaged to the number at the bottom of their metaphysical screens; what kind of grades you got in elementary school and how many recesses you had to spend sitting by the fence instead of playing with your friends; how often you exceeded the posted speeding limit; how surprised you seem to be by this whole judgment process (like golf, low scores are usually better on this one); whether you repented on your death bed (always a must!); or any other measurable quality about your life or person.

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll do fine-you've been studying, right?

Post-judgment, you will be either be given an immediate ticket to heaven (or its equivalent, which will either be exactly like America except even better and built entirely on and with clouds or, alternatively, something more abstract) or hell (or its equivalent, which, let's face it, is probably going to involve fire and lots of it), or you will be placed in purgatory, or you will be reincarnated, or your soul will merge with an eternal consciousness, or all of your questions will be answered, or something good like that.

With this process, all the bad guys who have ever lived will be punished and all of the good ones will be rewarded. So, loyal readers, don't worry too hard about correcting the social injustices that exist on Earth now - it's all been taken care of.

"How do I know all of this?" you ask. Come on, people! I offer you the answer to the second-biggest mystery of life and you immediately start firing off questions about the most minor details. Who cares how I know it? I am an opinion writer for the most prestigious university student paper in the state, and my word carries the weight of that Authority.

You'll just have to take it at that.

Now that I've revealed a great religious truth, I'm expecting some followers. To the followers out there, the name is now His Holiness the Infrequently Wrong Greg Karber, and he asks that you please send cash in lieu of presents and don't expect to write it off.

However, I'm also expecting some critics. Certainly, there are a few people out there who will become enraged at my suggestion that they might not know for certain the exact conditions of the hereafter. Others may argue that if I really had the answers, I would back it up with actual evidence instead of a dubious appeal to the authority of a publication.

To these critics, I ask that you please send your comments to ihategregkarber@gmail.com or post it on The Arkansas Traveler Web site at thetraveleronline.com. Who knows, you might just see your diatribe quoted in a future week's "Sex and Violence"!

Greg Karber is a columnist for The Arkansas Traveler. His column appears every Friday.